When the world's all as it should be

Li'l Star

2007-03-16T19:03:00.000Z

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If it seems like I'm shining brightly
It's probably a reflection of something you already are

I forget about myself sometime
When there's so many other around
When deep inside you feels darkest
That is where I can always be found

Just keep trying and trying
It's just a matter of timing
Though the grinding is tiring
Don't let 'em stop you from smiling

Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you'll find it

It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all I can see
and you sure look like a star to me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
If you try to reach out an touch me
you'll see I'm not really that far
I may not be the brightest nor am I the last one you'll see
But as long as you notice, that's just fine with me
Everything's just fine with me

There is nothing special about me
I am just a lil star
I've been running and jumping, but barely
Getting, getting over the bar

I plan on being much more than I am
but that's in do time
But until then I'm guilty,
and being humans my crime
Being human that is my crime

It's surprising how inspiring
It is to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all I can see
and you sure look like a star to me

(Kelis feat. Cee-Loo)

In times like these

2007-03-04T17:07:00.000Z

In times like these
the snow dancing in the frosty air
In times like these
the wind whispering in my ear, just a little too loud
In times like these
my heart questioning what it feels, my mind feeling what it thinks
In times like these
I wish for a blue moon peeking out my window
In times like these
I wish I were in a place I never knew, with those I met just in dreams
In times like these
I wonder what is truth, what is wisdom, what is love
In times like theseI need answers
In times like these
I need You
In times like these

On the 23

2007-03-01T14:59:00.000Z

My friends are getting married.
What a happy news, isn't it?

But... OH MY GOD!

This is the friend I sang together with when we were 12 years old. This is someone I used to be real crazy with, that one that with her I once laughed so loudly til we couldn't manage to laugh any louder... And there she is now. A woman with a great career ahead and her soulmate beside.

She reminds me of where we are at this moment: 23, on the gate of being a grown-up- where the responsibilities of being a financially independent individual and a member of society called family arise. When I and another good friend of mine talked about it, to be honest, we were bloody scared. In the state of jobless single women, we became so desperately panic. How on earth we are to be on her shoes when everything in front of our eyes is just so blurred.

To my friend, I'm proud of you, and I'm truly happy for you...

ps: and I believe that in You I'll be ready in time, just in time

Why blogging

2007-02-27T05:42:00.000Z

Six months- since my last posting
and it makes me smile re-reading all those earlier postings
Remembering all those stuff I've done
all those feelings I once had
how I've ever thought that way
how once all those happened
and how far I've indeed gone
All makes me amazed
So I think I'll keep blogging :)

I am a Donut!

2006-08-10T16:34:00.000Z

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Be my everything

2006-07-11T23:41:00.000Z

A very pretty crystal glass
A kiss from the sun
And all the colour in the world dancing beautifully
When it broke into zillion pieces,
can we still see the dance?

EVERYTHING

God in my living

There in my breathing

God in my waking

God in my sleeping

God in my resting

There in my working

God in my thinking

God in my speaking

Be my everything

God in my hoping

There in my dreaming

God in my watching

God in my waiting
God in my laughing

There in my weeping

God in my hurting

God in my healing

Christ in me

the hope of glory

You are everything

Christ in me

the hope of glory

Be my everything

(Tim Hughes)

My biggest failure

2006-07-07T22:03:00.000Z

I hate failure.

Unfortunately, I just had the biggest one in my life until today.

There was this job in this company that I really wanted, especially now, that I know that I don't get it.

The road wasn't smooth, but I was able to slide myself into the last stage of the selection process. So I thought, if I had been lucky so far, perhaps God wanted me to go this way. I started to think that maybe I was really going to get it.

Until today, I received the news. I was rejected.

And at that very moment I just couldn't feel anything.I was numb.

It was my fault. I should know that I didn't do good with my first interview, and I should have had learnt from it, not repeating the same mistake with the last interview. But obviously I didn't do that. I repeated the same silly mistakes, and I guessed the partner with whom I had the last interview with, could not be convinced to take me as part of the team.

But yeah... it happened. It's just that it hurts me more than I thought. I wish that it's just a nightmare, or that they made a mistake. But obviously it's not and they didn't.

I know that I have to accept this. Stand up tall, and keep going.

But right now, let me relieve this pain first...

Bye Canterbury

2006-07-06T15:31:00.000Z

It's been a lovely half-a-year I've had in here...

What I love about Canterbury:

My campus, Canterbury Christ Church University
A walk through Canterbury Cathedral to the city centre
Canterbury high street
New Look, Zara, Top Shop, Fenwick, and other high street shops
Art Cafe, Starbucks, Costa, and Nando's
My international bible meeting group
Others that I can't remember now

What I loathe about Canterbury:

It has no Mango and KFC
Most of my friends are not here
The drunk lads and the chicks who talk very loudly
That my house doesn't have internet

It's a bit sad, though, leaving this town. But I'm eager to come back to Amsterdam, too, seeing my friends there.

I think the memory of Canterbury will be with me wherever I am *_*

English vs Dutch (clothing style)

2006-06-30T20:17:00.000Z

'English'

Talking about fashion, I think English are a lot more more fashionable than Dutch.

English girls, they always dress up daily, wear nice dress, put up some make ups, do something with their hair, and look at those shoes!
Most of these girls and women dress up like Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha from 'Sex and the city'. They do, really. It isn't uncommon to see women wearing cute skirts, extravagant tops, or extremely high heels walking on high street, even Canterbury high street (which is a lovely town, though a bit small). And of course, they do things with their hair like straightening, curlying, brading, colouring, etc. Here, hairdressers do have more business than in Amsterdam.

Dutch girls on the other hand, do not dress up that much (or if they do, not really click with my taste). Some of them can be seen walking around with trainers. Just a few do take care of how they look. Hair, doesn't get that much attention. I guess Dutch women prefer a more natural, down-to-earth style than English. Dutch also do make up, though.

About the blokes, Dutch and English are quite different. Here in UK, the working blokes normally wear suits, for most office jobs. In Amsterdam (in particular, Holland in general), they wear more casual stuff to work. English male students do have good taste in casual-styled-clothes though. Hair style, moreless similar.

I think these differences could be caused by the style of the apparel shops in these two countries. In UK, highstreets were packed by so many trendy, fashionable shops selling clothes inspired by Glamour, magazine-fad, style. In Amsterdam, I feel that it wasn't the case. (Or perhaps it's the people's style that influences the apparel shops)

But yeah, I always think differences make this world more beautiful. But still, I do like the English' clothing style better than Dutch!

PS: all mentioned above is based on my personal observation and opinion, no hard feeling ^_*

Risks in Break-ups (and consulting your break-up plan to me)

2006-06-28T17:01:00.000Z

A friend of mine was telling me his concern. He is currently in the middle of a battle, whether to break up or not to break up. Spooky, huh?

He thinks, what if he breaks up, and then he doesn't find a better one? What if it turns out he can't get another girl? What if she was the best? What if he likes her again when they meet again (it's partly about distance)

I was like... seriously, c'mon??

But, yeah... it does make sense... I mean we all can feel insecure and we can't see what the future holds. We can't see what the results of certain actions might be. We (he, his gf, me too) are 22, and as many say we suppose to be 'stable with a partner' already.

What I told him is, though, no need to worry, mate. When you know you're not for each other, don't push it too hard. I mean, what's the point of a relationship when you feel you do not have anything in common, or you are totally go to different direction. But then, my fault, I told him before that 'opposite attracts' (now you know that I'm not such a good advisor).

In the end, he becomes more confused, and I am getting confused, too. And later we talked about shares, shares trading, and how risky it is!
hehehe...

Stuck in the middle

2006-05-16T15:53:00.000Z

Lately everything in my life doesn't seem right. All my plans were blown away. Fuu... Just like that.

I used to be a good planner, but that skill doesn't seem to be here inside me anymore. When there were so many paths ahead, I could say which way to take, before. I just knew it! But now, gosh, not really. Once I tried to take one, it's just blocked. I planned, planned, and planned, and somehow those did not work! (started from 4 years ago perhaps??)

So I tried to go with the flow, as they say it's not wise to row against the water. Sometimes I just wanna stop. I wanna breathe. I wanna see the pretty part of a river side. I don't wanna just look at it for a second and say... "sorry, gotta go" But the other side of me believes that I should keep moving.

All seems confusing to me. I don't know where I'm heading to. I can't tell what I'm after, neither could tell what I want. I am stuck in the middle.

The long days were over

2006-05-12T09:48:00.000Z

Eventually, on Monday, May 8th, 2006, I submitted my dissertation:

Beta Coefficient Analysis:

Systematic Risk in Singapore, Hong Kong, and United States Market

Industry Focus: Electronics, Real Estate, Banking & Finance, Retail

@___@ !!!

It took me approximately 6 months to consider the idea, make the first proposal, try finding the data and failed, make the second proposal, write it, and finish it. It cost me so many nights of bad dreams and exhaustion. And it seems like ages ago when I think about it.

Now, it's over. I can't say that I am satisfied nor confident with it. I kept worrying til yesterday to be honest. But a friend got the point, indeed, "What's the point of worrying? Can it change anything?"

So, I said, no more worrying. It's done anyway. I just need to be brave with anything that may come ahead. And whatever it is, I am gonna face it.

Get over with it, n off to the beach!!!! Yuhuuu....

My (Half-asleep) Morning Prayer

2006-03-28T15:57:00.000Z

When I say my morning prayer, I'm not really sure with what I'm saying, because I'm half-awake! So I think, maybe now I just write it down, and try to remember what I really (or I think I) say *__*

Tuhan, selamat pagi

Good morning, God

(duh aku tadi malem mimpi serem sekali Tuhan)

(I had such a bad dream last night)

Tapi terima kasih udah ngelindungin aku

Thank You for watching over me during my sleep

dan mengijinkan aku bangun

Thank You for letting me wake up this morning

dan menghirup udara pagi ini

Thank You for letting me breathe

Terima kasih Tuhan, atas hidup yang Kau beri buat aku

Thank You for giving me this life

bantu aku untuk melakukan kehendak-Mu

God, let me do what You intend me to do

dan hidup di jalan-Mu

and to live my life in your way,

hari ini

today

Amin

Amen.

PS: normally I say it in Indonesian, I think :p

Today I say

2006-03-12T14:46:00.000Z

I won't give up!

\^0^/

Miracles are not always those magical things happening to you

Miracles are sometimes those achieved with your own hardwork

What they both have in common is: FAITH!

Should I give it up?

2006-03-11T15:02:00.000Z

I am a fourth year International Business and Management Studies student. In order to graduate, I am required to produce a dissertation in this final year.

I was thinking of doing something in Finance, the area where I am interested in. I didn't have enough knowledge about this subject, but that's why I intend to do my dissertation about it, to give the opportunity to myself to learn. Ironic for some people perhaps. But yeah, I think I would never know it if I never try.

But then things are just not easy. Even in reading financial news I already have difficulties, let alone finding the financial information and analysing financial figures later on. More worryingly, I have no knowledge in statistics, nothing. Worst, until now I can't even get the data I need to calculate. Damn.

Now, I just want to give it up. I just want to let all these go. Find another topic for my dissertation which wouldn't give me so much troubles like this, even perhaps I won't like it that much. But then I think, I've already invested lots of my time on this, lots of efforts, also money and mind. But what if I can't get this done and need to turn my wheel a month before the dissertation deadline? I do care to get good grades, I do care. I don't want to screw my grades or even not being able to graduate. And at this moment, I do not know how long I can go anymore.

Should I give it up? Should I not?
Should I ? Should I not?
Should I? Should I not?
...

Hope I can find a clover to help me decide...

Males mimpi

2006-03-06T15:30:00.000Z

Mmm... Beberapa hari ini aku mimpiii terus...Keluarga, temen2 SMA ku, temen2 ndek Holland, semuae ada di mimpi-mimpi ini...
Tapi, ndek mimpi-mimpi ini, aku rasae gelisah terus... kaya ga pernah hepi gitoe... ada satu mimpi ambek temen SMA ku seng uwis lama ga pernah kontak, tau2 de'e nginep ndek rumahku ndek Canterbury sini, trus ada rampok... trus ada lagi ngimpi e kayak pindahan, ngangkat2 kardus ambek temen2 ndek Holland seng uda lama gak ketemu juga... pokoke intie, mimpi2 ini bikin aku cape dan ngerasa ga enak kalo bangun... (rasae jadi ngantuk terus soale)
Trus, aku jadi bingung!
Kenapa coba mendadak mimpi2 kaya gini... tau2 orang2 yang uda lama ga pernah aku pikirin mendadak dateng dalam mimpi... ?... could it be possible that this is a sign to make contact with them again? but why? and why now?
Dipikir2 juga.. mungkin karena aku belakangan ini gelisah terus juga dalam dunia nyata... presentasi yang tiap 2 minggu sekali ini bener2 bikin cape... soale ga cuma banyak research n self study yang mesti dilakuin, tp jg masalah2 teamwork laennya... n masalah2 lainnya...
Trus juga, disertasi... rasae kaya bahaya laten yang sewaktu2 isa meledak... tp moga2 bukan seh... tok tok tok...
yah begitulah... mungkin juga it's just me who thinks too much bout all these things.... pokoknya, intie.... aku ga mo mimpi lagi hari ini!

You don't miss your water 'til it well runs dry

2006-03-01T11:15:00.000Z

A couple of days ago, a friend told me a shocking news about her mom. Her mom has something on her liver, which was still unknown what by then. She was scared that it's going to be something serious considering the existance of liver cancer within her family line.

It was a real nightmare for her. Imagining your loved one would suffer, and ultimately, would leave you for good. By then, she did think that she should love her more, give her more, care about her more, than she already did.

Few days later, the result of the more in-depth research issued. And thank God, there was nothing harmful in there. It's just a little extra thing that would not endanger her life.

However, the moment when she knew she would probably leave her for good sticks on my mind. When we know that someone will leave us, that moment, that single moment, will be a moment we start regretting of not doing enough while we know, and we knew, we could. So then I learn, as we have the time, as we have the chance, to show the people we love that we do love them, we'd better just do it, right now and right here.

Happy Valentine

2006-02-14T17:31:00.000Z

H.a.p.p.y V.a.l.e.n.t.i.n.e

May your loved ones love you back

May you love others more

May you love God

And may you always feel God's love for you

Have enough love for everyone!!!

Who are we to J?

2006-02-13T09:49:00.000Z

Ouw, Look... She's so ugly!

And her clothes... Horrible!!!

A friend of mine sometimes tells me this while we are walking around. I do the same, too perhaps.

We judge people by the way they look, they walk, they talk, and even by the way they smile. Physical appearance often becomes the most important, if not the only thing we see at other people. And society at large does so. We chase branded goods in order to look good. We make friends with those people who are good looking enough to be seen with us, and we despise those weirdos and nerds.

You judge. I judge. We judge. But indeed, who are we to judge?

People are all the same

And we only get judged by what we do

My personality reflects me

And if I'm ugly then

So are you

("Ugly" - Sugababes)

Embarassing Moment

2006-02-09T17:32:00.000Z

Yesterday morning, I was in a group meeting. The ambience was quite tensed, two of our group members were arguing pretty harshly, and we were striving to prepare ourselves for the later presentation.

I wanted to spit my chewing gum to a trash can. But somehow, it kept sticking on my lips (it was in a small and quiet computer room by the way). After I finally succeed, I lifted my head up, and... it bumped into a table with a very loud noise. The other students started to stare at me... Still continued, my pointed shoes stucked into a cable, which was laying next to a whiteboard. Again, somehow, loud noises again came from the iron table, the whiteboard, and other electrical things around!!! People started to laugh. And I was there, hands up in the air, guilty as charged...

If some people ask me, what is the most embarassing experience you ever had?, I never knew what to answer because I simply forgot things. However, I think those moments should not be forgotten, coz when we need a bit of curve on our lips, those moments can be a real panacea :) That's why I wrote one of mine here ^_*

Waiting seems to be the hardest thing

2006-02-03T17:22:00.000Z

"The discussion of strategic management begins with vision, followed by mission which is more tangible..."

Yup... That was taken from Kristina's lecture 2 hours ago, in which I couldn't resist my boredom any longer and finally zzzzz.... fell asleep... Desperately waiting for a coffee break to inject some cafein into my body though I knew my liver will work hard afterwards to intoxicate it.

Yeah... talking about waiting. Isn't it one of the hardest thing to do?

Waiting.. it never stands by itself. It comes with its best friends all the time... hope, worriness, desperation... how will things turn out? will it be as I expected? will it be a surprise? is it a good one? is it a bad one? will my plan work out? will I be happy? will I be sad?

But that brings the sparks to our life, makes it ain't plain as it is.

And for me, to reduce the bad effect of pessimism, frustration, and tiredness of waiting, I hold on to this subsequent saying:

"Tuhan menjadikan segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya"

Translation: "God makes things perfect just in time"

with which I am cheerfully waiting without wasting my time *__*I

The last day in Amsterdam on January 2006

2006-02-01T14:56:00.000Z

Amsterdam, January 27, 2006

evening routine: messenger, buquette from Tante, cheese cake and teh kotak Sosro from Tata :)

My first days back to UK

2006-01-30T15:30:00.000Z

January 27, 2006
It was a gloomy day, at least for me, knowing that I had to leave the day after. I knew that this leave is not going to be easy at all, it would never be the same with the one I had two years ago. Two years ago, I had nothing, neither in Amsterdam, nor in Canterbury. I got nothing to loose, so I bravely and excitedly welcomed my adventure to UK. Of course I had some friends by then, but not many. What's more, I knew they'd be right there when I was back.
But I had a feeling, that this time, it would not be at all the same. Being in Amsterdam for 3 years had made it almost home for me. I have more friends than I did, I have a nice room with all the facilities inside, internet connection, mobile numbers, and one of my favourite things, TV.
Things were just so settled. Things were just so easy. Things were just so fun. Things were just so perfect. When things were perfect, I just did not want to gamble anymore.

January 28, 2006
Beautiful day with a shower of sunshine. The French and UK custom had ruined it somehow. Got to took out all those heavy suitcases in French custom to be checked, put them back to the coach, and after around 50 meters, got to took them out again for UK custom, but no action taken by them, and got to put those gosh-so-heavy suitcases back to the coach. What a mess. Why couldn't these two countries' customs work any better?
Closer to Canterbury, admiring the gorgeous landscape of UK, I was thinking, it wouldn't be that bad afterall. I can (or should) be happy in such a beautiful place.
But then, I was wrong again. Here I am, a house 25 minutes walking from school, no telephone, no internet, and no TV!!! It feels like I am being alienated, placed faraway in the middle of the forest. I am not Robinson Crusoe, and I don't wanna be one!

January 29, 2006
Sunny's birthday. I woke up at 12:30, with again, gloomy, dark, spiritless feeling. Went out for a couple of grocery and household shoppings, couldn't get home walking coz we shopped too much (believe me, we need even more than that to fill in our house!) so we needed to take a cab again.
Went out for dinner and drinks with the girls, had delicious italian cuisines in "ASK", continued with a glass of coke (really) in "HAHA" bar, which is just as any other bars in UK, closed at 10:30 pm.

But then, that horrible feeling of loneliness is still here. I don't know what's wrong. I know I should get over it, but it's just not as easy as it seems. I just miss Amsterdam and all the inside somehow...

"Your spirit gets too weak, the water seems to deep,
you think there's just no way, I'll be there for you night and day

The mountain seems to steep, your spirits gets to weak,
you think there's just no way, I'll be there for you night and day"

(When your spirit gets too weak - Plus one)

Being thankful and praying forever

2006-01-23T23:57:00.000Z

Here it goes...

Monday, January 23rd, 2005, around 1 a.m. I was such a mess. Couldn't think rationally and generated harshly several silly hypothesis. Felt weirdly sad, extremely weak, and didn't feel like sleeping at all. So there I was, taking out all my clothes from my wardrobe, throwing some away, folding some up, separating them into different categories based on my fondness for them. That event lasted for at least 3 hours, with myself kept asking God for the reasons behind all of those feelings. Felt slightly annoyed, I finally went to sleep around 4 or 5 a.m.

1 p.m., the same day, I woke up. There was a glimpse of dark mark below my eyes, and my head felt pretty heavy to think and to start my day with a smile. So I prayed, and I tried to sing in the bathroom as it normally is something that would cheer me up. But today, it failed to do so.

And just in time (I guess the founder of the JIT management style from Japan got the idea from God), God showed me of how much He loves me.

A friend, who I just knew for not so long ago, had cheered me up through my latest infatuation, messenger. Supporting me with his rational view of a third party, he succeeded to make me stand still again. I am grateful to God for this.

Then another friend called me up. "You passed your Finance exam... Only 6 students out of all did" So,\ it was, indeed, quite a relieve for me, considering that I did not study well for that exam(took my parents, who were in Amsterdam at that time, around). Moreover, I passed the other subjects with satisfying grades, too. I am thankful for these.

And then, I sorted my books out, and took some of them to be stored in a friend's place. And again, I was lucky coz I was late to catch my train, but the train itself was also late. I was thankful for that, for not wasting my energy running through the station with that bloody heavy suitcase. And I am, again, thankful for having friends who care and are there for me when I need them.

So... actually... there are (really) lots of thing I can thank God in my everyday life, whether it is something that seems like a tiny little coincidence, such as the "late train", or in form of wonderful friends, or the ability, the will, and the opportunity to achieve, or even the ability to be thankful itself.

Being thankful can bring me happiness (well... I know, when the problems come by, I would easily frown again, be sad again, be annoyed to God, and be in such a bad mood). But what I noticed is, even if I had a bad day, there would be things to brightly shine my day up again, there will be courage to face all the things in front of me, and I would miss God once again, to talk and to pray to Him. As said by Gerrard Kelly, the Crossroad pastor last Sunday "pray forever, don't get tired of praying, pray til you get the answer". So will I.

So, aren't you curious to try all of these? Being thankful and praying forever? It's worth trying I think ^_-

Me Myself and I

2005-12-18T23:57:00.000Z

Let me tell you something about me

I like to snooze
I spend approximately 30 minutes in the toilet every morning
I take a shower for less than half of my toilet time
Brunch is what I have almost every day
I wash my hair in the evening most of the time
I normally sleep after I take a shower in the evening
I have a big dinner
I like to hear television sound while I'm sleeping

The less obvious ones:

I am so used to smiling, regardless of what my heart really feels
I have never found a true love
I believe in miracles
I love Lays, Burger King, McDonald, and KFC
I might seem cute, girly, and lovable, but I'm actually real tough!

Weird dream

2005-12-10T21:55:00.000Z

Have you ever think about something so bad until you bring it to your sleep? And while you are dreaming, you don't even know that you are?

Or when you say to yourself in that dream, "this is a dream" and you wake yourself up, you are still, in fact, dreaming? And it is so hard to open your eyes and face the reality?

Indeed, I did, today.

In my dreams, I was with the people I love and care about. In reality, there was none besides my empty room.

I guess that's why it happened.

Benvenuto alla vita bella

2005-12-09T23:43:00.000Z

Life is a great gift

Of thousands little pieces

Find a beautiful little piece

and another beautiful little one

Have you found happiness?

Slide over the rainbow

Meet the leprechaun at the end of your journey

Welcome to the beautiful life